Happy ever after

It’s been 2 years since I have written anything here, unfortunately 2 years I think since I’ve written anything at all. It’s sad when I think about it. I don’t even know if anyone is on this site anymore. I don’t even know why I am here at this hour at night. Maybe it’s because I feel restless, maybe I’m just getting that bad again and I feel the need to write something, anything. Everything feels like a blur. Life is passing by again, everyone is going their own way and I’m left behind. Stuck. Going through the motions. Losing him… Losing me… Losing us by pushing him away. And I can’t stop from thinking that it’s my fault, my damn fault that I push people away and act crazy when I get in this state. I can’t focus. I can’t think straight. Everything is a blur. My heart… My brain… Everything is chaos. I know maybe I shouldn’t be jealous, but why do you act with her the way you used to act with me? Why to you talk to her the way you used to talk to me? Why do you answer her messages and ignore mine? Seen is life? Mostly… why do you seek to talk to her in the middle of the night while I’m sleeping next to you? You say you love me so much and my jealousy is stupid, but how can I not be this way when I see you acting with her the way you used to act with me at the beginning, talking with her all the time when you’re with me? How can I act normal when my heart is breaking with the fear that you’ll forget about me?

You’re not the beginning and you’re not the end. You’re not my life, you’re not my soul, you’re not who I am. You don’t own me and I don’t own you. I can’t stop you from falling in love with someone else, I can’t force your heart to love mine just because mine loves yours. We were an almost kind of love at the beginning. Maybe that’s all we were meant to be. I want you to be happy, but you’re my home. You’re the person I want to come back to all my life, even when we are both old and life has beaten us down way to many times. I want me to be the one that make you happy, I want it to be us for the rest of our lives. What happened to our happy ever after?

„Life ain’t a fairytale kid.” 

Outside the lines – Chapter 1

I was afraid to let it out, to say it out loud. I was afraid it could destroy me, that maybe it could destroy us. I see him standing there looking at me with that large beautiful smile, but I realise that that smile is no longer for me. I am not his anymore and he is not mine. I have tried to drink away my sorrows, but nothing I did made me feel less like a ghost. Nothing could repair the damage he left behind. 

‘Hi, are you ready?’ my friend jumped in front of me out of nowhere and sadly she was blocking my view. She realized I was trying to look past her and turned around for a quick moment. 

‘Really? I know he is totally hot and all, but you know you two are long done. You have to move on.’

She did the puppy eyes that no one could possibly resist as if it was enough to make me forget the best relationship I have ever had. 

‘You know it’s not that easy…’

‘Best relationship ever, blablabla. You know I am not in all of that bullshit. When it’s over it’s over.’ She started walking and i followed her. ‘Life is already fucking complicated, we just insist on complicating it more.’ She grabbed my shoulders and shook me harshly. ‘Move on!’ 

And that’s my friend Anna. She is a special kind of insane mixed with a convinced feminist, a bit of anxiety and paranoia and a lot of rebellion, but that’s alright because I love and accept her as she is and she accepts me as messed up as I am. Oh… I forgot to mention. I am Chloe. 

Concurs Aniversar 2 ani!!

Devoratorul de cărți

Hei,cititori !! Nu pot sa cred ca au trecut doi ani de cand scriu pe acest blog , doi ani de cand ma bucur de sustinerea voastra si interesul pentru carti.Asadar voua trebuie sa va multumesc in primul rand pentru ca imi cititi blogul, imi trimiteti e-mail-uri si imi recomandati cele mai bune carti.Cum multumirile nu sunt de ajuns pentru a exprima cat de mult m-ati ajutat in acesti 2 ani, v-am pregatit un concurs 😀

Premiile sunt urmatoarele: 1 voucher in valoare de 35 de lei oferit de Libris si 3 rollere cu gumaübers Fiktion! (Vor exista 4 castigatori.Acestia vor fi alesi prin random.org.) In cazul in care nu ati mai cumparat pana acum carti online,trebuie sa stiti ca Libris este cea mai mare librarie online din Romania si ofera o varietate de carti in romana si engleza,toate cu transport gratuit si preturi mai…

Vezi articolul original 90 de cuvinte mai mult

The last chapter

I had a dream a few days ago. It was you and me like it has been before. This bitter feeling crept inside me when I woke up, suffocating me. I haven’t thought about him in a very long time and suddenly that day became all about him. I kept thinking about what it could have been if I had made different choices, if only i would have had the strength to decide better. The dream still stands crystal-clear in my mind and I wish that at least for a few more moments I could live in it. It breaks my heart that I didn’t realize what he meant for me before it was too late. And today I miss him more than ever. Today I let myself think about him and miss him because I am grateful he was a part of me. I am grateful for having him by my side. Tonight I am thinking about him so tomorrow I can start a new chapter.

I need you to need me…

I need you to need me…
No, you know something? I don’t need anyone to need me. You either are in my life or not. I am not gonna cry and I am certainly not gonna become desperate for attention. I have learnt that I can make it on my own. I don’t need someone in my life to feel complete. Nobody should because if you let someone become everything when they’ll leave, and trust me, they will, you will be left with nothing, only an empty space where that person used to be. If you make someone your everything you risk losing everything. You are allowed to fall in love and love deeply, but never, ever depend on someone. Learn how to be alone, because at some point you will be. Go to a movie or to a restaurant alone, don’t be embarrassed. Enjoy spending time with yourself, learn to pick yourself up because at the end of the day that’s what matters. You are amazing and you don’t need someone to define you.

Mi-as dori…

• Mi-as dori  sa dau timpul inapoi…
• Mi-as dori sa nu fi pierdut atata timp cu persoane care nu merita…
• Mi-as dori sa am timp sa fac ceea ce imi place…
• Mi-as dori sa pot sa cumpar toate cartile pe care mi le doresc si sa-mi intalnesc autorii preferati…
• Mi-as dori sa stiu ce o sa fac cu viata mea dupa liceu…
• Mi-as dori sa fiu cu adevarat buna la ceva…
• Mi-as dori sa calatoresc in toata lumea, sa incerc lucruri noi si interesante, sa cunosc oameni diferiti de mine, cu alte convingeri…
• Mi-as dori sa am bani sa donez celor care au nevoie…

Nimic

Nu am mai scris de mult… Nici macar eu nu stiu motivul. Poate pur si simplu nu mai am ce sa spun sau poate nimic nu iese bine. Poate nu mai pot sa scriu…poate am rămas goala pe dinăuntru si oricât as încerca cuvintele potrivite nu par sa se așeze pe hârtie. Astăzi pur si simplu simt nevoie sa scriu in micul meu jurnal, pe aceste blog, unde desi toată lumea poate sa citească, ma simt in siguranta.

Am rămas singura, am făcut greșeli si am stat alaturi de oameni care nu meritau efortul. Am pierdut timp din cauza asta si oamenii care chiar țineau la mine. Se zice ca prietenia adevărata durează si la distanta.. Înseamnă ca nu am o prietena adevărata, sau pur si simplu mergând in direcția greșita am pierdut pe toata lumea. Am fost uitata, lasata in urma si înlocuita. Nu mai pot sa scriu, parca mi s-a furat singura alinare.. Si tot ce am zis suna atât de patetic, vreau doar sa stau in pătură si sa uit tot, sa uit ca am existat vreodată..

ME

“I don’t want to wake up ten years from now and realize that I am made of parts, little parts taken from everyone I have ever met. I don’t want to look inside and not find any of ME left because I won’t be empty, I will be full of all the people I am not. And for me that’s the saddest thing of all. Don’t let people stay in the way of yourself because everyone leaves, but you”ll have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.”

Ce inseamna fericirea?

Buna tuturor 😀 Deci m-am hotarat sa accept provocarea de pe Amiral si o sa spun ce inseamna fericirea pentru mine.  Concursul este  realizat cu sprijinul librariei online Libris, unde puteti gasi o varietate mare de carti online. Ca si clienta fidela a librariei o recomand cu mare placere ❤

Sa fiu sincera, nu m-am gandit vreodata ca va trebui sa raspund la aceasta intrebare si probabil pentru ca este cea mai complicata intrebare primita vreodata si speram sa nu ajung aici. Si raspunsul este pe masura. Pentru mine fericirea sta in lucrurile mici care pentru majoritatea probabil ar trece ca neinsemnate, dar pentru mine sunt cel mai de pret dar.

Fericirea este zambetul celei mai bune prietene cand te vede dupa ceea ce pare ca un secol pentru amandoua. Fericirea este in imbratisarea pe care ti-o daruieste cand iti sare in brate dupa, facandu-te sa te simti ca si cand esti cea mai importanta persoana pentru ea si ca nu ti-ar mai da drumul niciodata. Fericirea este acea nota insemnificativa de 10 si un mesaj primit complet intamplator de la cineva cu care nu ai mai vorbit de mult, este momentul  acela in care iti amintesti ceva ce nici macar nu stiai ca stii. Fericirea este atunci cand iti petreci ziua de nastere cu cei mai buni prieteni  si nici macar nu iti pasa de cadouri pentru ca e indeajuns doar sa fii acolo cu ei.  Fericirea este imbratisarea pe care ti-o daruieste o mama atunci cand lacrimile iti curg pe obraz si simti ca intreaga lume s-a intors impotriva ta si se darama caramida cu caramida peste sufletul tau. Fericirea este ciocolata calda intr-o dimineata rece, este o ora in plus de somn cand simti ca o sa cazi din picioare, este zambetul unei persoane cand vorbeste despre lucrurile care il pasioneaza cu adevarat. Fericirea pentru mine inseamna acel moment in care valurile marii iti ating picioarele, iar vantul te elibereaza. As putea sa continui cu alte o sute de lucruri cu ce inseamna fericirea, dar se face tarziu.  

Poti sa ma intrebi ce inseamna fericirea pentru mine, dar e mai usor sa intelegi din cea ce ma face fericita. Dar o sa spun sincer ca fericirea pentru mine inseamna totul si nu stii cat de pretioasa e ea cu momentele ei pana nu ai cunoscut cum e sa fii la pamant si lumea sa arunce cu pietre in tine. Pentru mine fericirea inseamna prietenie, familie, iubire, inseamna momentele mici in care simti ca totul e in favoarea ta si nimic nu conteaza pentru esti acolo, esti exact unde vrei, cu oamenii pe care ii iubesti, facand ceea ce-ti place, esti fericit. Pacat ca fericirea e trecatoare, dar doar daca ai noroc s-ar putea sa stea ceva mai mult si chiar si atunci cand pleaca sa se intoarca repede. Stiu, care e rostul sa fii fericit acum, daca oricum o sa fii trist mai tarziu? Ei bine, pentru ca esti fericit ACUM si asta e tot ce conteaza. Nu cauti fericirea, ea te loveste dintr-o data si apoi te lasa pustiu, dar mereu se intoarce.  Fericirea e doar alta esenta tare, tinuta intr-o sticluta mica.

Deci, ce inseamna fericirea pentru voi?

Murder

It was getting quite late and I knew that if I did not find a hotel soon I would have to sleep on a park-bench or in a police station.  I had been searching in vain for three hours and was feeling so hungry that I decided to go into the little restaurant I had passed some moments before. The drawn curtains and the dim light coming from inside did not make the place very attractive, but I had no choice and went in.

The bell above the door rang when I opened and closed the door, announcing every one of the presence of a new client. The restaurant was empty, except for two women standing at a table, with their backs turned on me. The atmosphere was really strange as the silence was deeper and deeper. The women weren’t talking or eating or, in fact, moving. There were no sounds coming from the kitchen. All I could hear was the muffled sound of the refrigerator and a wise owl hooting. I went to the bar, where I saw a young girl sleeping on the counter. I tried to wake her up by shaking her, but it was pointless. I was ready to leave the restaurant, but it just hit me. Something was terribly wrong. Fear started to gather inside me as I looked around again listening carefully and observing every detail. I moved the girl again, trying to raise her head, but she fell on the ground. I couldn’t find the power to look at her because I already knew she was dead. I slowly walked to the women, knowing what I was about to find. I closed my eyes before I turned one of them towards me. I could see the large blood stain right beside her heart and the hole the bullet had made into her blouse. There was no exit wound so the bullet had got stuck inside her. She was young and beautiful. I couldn’t help myself and wonder if she died in pain, but I had my answer right in front of me. She hadn’t moved or fallen so she had probably died instantly. It was tragic and the annoying voice in my head kept telling me that it could have been me lying on that chair. I grabbed my phone and called 911.

‘911. What is you emergency?’ I almost choked with my own words. That had never happened to me before and I had no idea what I was supposed to say or do. What was expected from me? Why me? Why did I have to walk in right at that moment? ‘I… I am in a restaurant. I would like to report a murder. Three women are dead, at least as far as I know.’ ‘What is your location?’ ‘I’m at The Diner on Fifth Avenue.’ The man told me not to panic and that help was on the way. A police officer interrogated me and then he escorted me to the closest hotel.

I tried to go to sleep, but could not. There was a strange sound coming from the room next door and the noisy music from downstairs was unbearable. I could hear people walking and talking in the corridor outside and had the feeling that something odd was going on. In the end I got up, turned on the light and went to the door. I tried to open it and found that it had been locked- from outside!