Happy ever after

It’s been 2 years since I have written anything here, unfortunately 2 years I think since I’ve written anything at all. It’s sad when I think about it. I don’t even know if anyone is on this site anymore. I don’t even know why I am here at this hour at night. Maybe it’s because I feel restless, maybe I’m just getting that bad again and I feel the need to write something, anything. Everything feels like a blur. Life is passing by again, everyone is going their own way and I’m left behind. Stuck. Going through the motions. Losing him… Losing me… Losing us by pushing him away. And I can’t stop from thinking that it’s my fault, my damn fault that I push people away and act crazy when I get in this state. I can’t focus. I can’t think straight. Everything is a blur. My heart… My brain… Everything is chaos. I know maybe I shouldn’t be jealous, but why do you act with her the way you used to act with me? Why to you talk to her the way you used to talk to me? Why do you answer her messages and ignore mine? Seen is life? Mostly… why do you seek to talk to her in the middle of the night while I’m sleeping next to you? You say you love me so much and my jealousy is stupid, but how can I not be this way when I see you acting with her the way you used to act with me at the beginning, talking with her all the time when you’re with me? How can I act normal when my heart is breaking with the fear that you’ll forget about me?

You’re not the beginning and you’re not the end. You’re not my life, you’re not my soul, you’re not who I am. You don’t own me and I don’t own you. I can’t stop you from falling in love with someone else, I can’t force your heart to love mine just because mine loves yours. We were an almost kind of love at the beginning. Maybe that’s all we were meant to be. I want you to be happy, but you’re my home. You’re the person I want to come back to all my life, even when we are both old and life has beaten us down way to many times. I want me to be the one that make you happy, I want it to be us for the rest of our lives. What happened to our happy ever after?

„Life ain’t a fairytale kid.” 

Bleeding inside…

Niciodata nu am crezut ca ceva atat de frumos se poate transforma peste noapte intr-un cosmar, ca acea nuanta de fericire iti poate fi furata si daruita unei raze de soare. Noaptea vine si ia cu ea toata lumina ce a fost odata. Intunericul distruge vieti, suflete nevinovate, dezleaga romante. Si luna priveste cum totul se ineaca intr-o mare de durere. Cruda, sta si  se uita, la masacrul ce intunericul il face, furand fiecare dram de bunatate. Nimic nu se mai poate face. Inimile sunt smulse, sangele curge, viata se duce.

Si tu degeaba stai si te uiti. Degeaba crezi ca intelegi si nu faci nimic sa ajuti. Lumea se rupe sub vantul ce bate si lumina adoarme. Ganduri zboara in aer distrugand personalitati, lasand doar actorii pe o scena goala, fara un public, interpretandu-si rolurile neinsemnate, trecand pe langa oameni ce, la fel ca ei, sunt adanc inecati in pies ape care o joaca. Au uitat cine sunt. S-au pierdut pe un drum plin de carari ce vin din infinit si se termina in infinit. S-au ratacit printre umbre, prin intuneric si celelalte suflete pierdute. Incearca sa se intoarca, dar poteca a disparut lasand un camp gol, fara suflete, fara viata. Lumea se prabuseste si sufletul adoarme.

Iti desfaci aripile translucide sit e indrepti spre acea ultima strigare de lumina, sperand sa nu o pierzi. Ultima raza trandafirie dispare in zare, iar intunericul te leaga in lanturi de fier, iar inima ta se topeste sub caldura visului unei nopti de vara.